A Mother’s View
By Davita McFarland Malloy
God has blessed me to be the mother of three amazing young men and one special teenage girl. I find myself reminiscing often of their early childhood when pajama day at school brought sheer delight, and dressing like Power Rangers on Halloween was the highlight of the year. One of my favorite memories was dressing my three sweet little boys in matching Kelly Kids outfits and pushing them in an oversize stroller or in a Wal-Mart shopping cart while having meaningful conversations about fire flies, race cars and Barney the purple dinosaur.
People would often stop me and compliment my babies by saying how precious they were. I’m no different than any other mother – I enjoyed the compliments. But all the while, I knew that one day I would have to teach my precious, bright eyed little boys that there will come a time as they grow older that people will no longer view them as Davita’s precious little boys but potentially dangerous black men. They are now 25, 23 and 20 years old, so needless to say the lessons have been taught.
The conversations with them were difficult but necessary. We taught them that whenever they walk into a store they maybe followed and automatically assumed that they are unemployed thieves. Gerald and I explained that as young men there would come a time when they will be judged and viewed as “thugs” simply because of their skin color. We talked about how loosely that word “thug” is often thrown around in describing African American men.
The most difficult lesson of all was when they each became a licensed driver. Like most teenagers they were excited about driving to the store without Mom riding in the passenger seat. But with that excitement, we had the daunting task of explaining the appropriate behavior for African Americans when stopped by the police. We began by explaining that most police officers are wonderful human beings that genuinely want to serve and protect all people. But, there are some who are flawed and will be quick to misjudge you simply because of the color of your skin. Always drive the speed limit, make sure your taillights are working, stay off of back roads once the sun goes down. Do not give any reason for an officer to stop you. It is a matter of life and death.
Several years ago, Gerald and I were pulled over by an officer that truly frightened us. Our memory of that particular incident on a dark road in North Carolina caused us to call 911. I tremble at the thought of what could have happened if we had not made that call. The sad part of this story is that most African Americans have stories to tell. Our hearts weep because of these stories. As the news of recent shootings play repeatedly on the TV, I cry and pray that nothing happens to my sons and newly licensed daughter. No mother should live with this anguish. I worry constantly about them being stopped and getting hurt because they reached for the driver license too fast. Don’t make sudden moves. Keep your hands up. Always answer respectfully. Turn on all lights. Remember, dark skin makes some folks nervous. If the officer is abusive, remember his or her name. Your Dad and I will handle it in a courtroom. I cry. I worry. I pray.
Why am I sharing my fear and concerns? That’s simple. I don’t think that our concerns as United States citizens of African descent are understood. I have heard and read too many comments to the contrary. Our concerns are real. We don’t want your pity. We want true equal protection under the law. We want your understanding. I feel that the only way to heal our society is to have open and honest conversations about race. We shouldn’t be afraid to have this dialogue. Although slavery ended over 150 years ago, remnants of 400 years of bondage still exist. Jim Crow isn’t dead. He’s simply hiding in the hearts of many.
We, as responsible citizens must learn all of the history (the good and the bad) of this great nation. If we talk and understand each other, then we can feel empathy and gain mutual respect. That’s all the protesters in Charlotte, Atlanta, and Tulsa want. They want to be heard. We want the perception of all African American men as “bad dudes” changed. Mutual respect stops unnecessary and wrongful judging. This solution seems simple but in reality I know that it is not. We must start somewhere. We owe it to our children and future generations.
I truly believe that this country is great because of all of us. Diversity is a beautiful thing and the way God intended. Let’s pray for peace and understanding. Let’s pray for those who are grieving as well as those living with this constant fear. Let us pray for God’s grace for all of His people. Amen.
Davita McFarland Malloy is a Hartsville native, and her husband is South Carolina Senator Gerald Malloy, District 29 – Chesterfield, Darlington, Lee & Marlboro Counties.